Episode 115 – Laura DiBenedetto – Leaders on Leadership
As we strive to achieve the life of our dreams, we sometimes have to make sacrifices along the way. But what if you can still create the life you want without having to give up some of the things you love? Dr. Tracey Jones’ guest for this episode, Laura DiBenedetto, teaches people how to do that. Laura is the number one bestselling author of The Six Habits, a TEDx speaker, a Life Mastery Coach, and Founder of an award-winning marketing company called Vision Advertising. In today’s show, she shares with us the price she has to pay for leadership and how she overcame them one by one. Laura also tells us her next radical journey of self-discovery, research, testing, and determination to find energy and lasting fulfillment and happiness in all areas of life. She shares the six factors that can help us in this conversation.
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Laura DiBenedetto – Leaders on Leadership
Our guest is the number one bestselling author of The Six Habits, a TEDx speaker, a Life Mastery Coach, and Founder of an award-winning marketing company called Vision Advertising. Our guest is Laura DiBenedetto, and you are going to love knowing what she has to say about paying the price of leadership.
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I am excited because our guest is coming all the way from Hawaii. She teaches how to create the life of our dreams without sacrificing what we love. Laura is the Founder and CEO of the award-winning marketing company Vision Advertising located in the greater Boston area. Her story is fascinating. She created, built and ran a growth-oriented enterprise for nineteen years with tremendous success before retiring from active involvement in 2008 at the tender age of 37. She passed on the reins to her successor. Over the years, Laura personally sold several million dollars in ongoing contracts.
She's been featured on Fox News and other Boston programming, was publicly recognized for business accomplishments, and named one of the 40 Under 40 at only age 23. She went after that looking for her next challenge. We're going to know all about this on her next radical journey of self-discovery, research, testing, and determination to find energy and lasting fulfillment, happiness in all areas of life. We're going to talk about this at the end about the six factors that she found. She retired in the island of Maui, beautiful Hawaii. She lives in tropical bliss with her husband, cats, and dogs. Laura, welcome to our show.
Thank you. I'm excited to chat with you. I've been looking forward to this all day.
To our readers, you're going to sense the energy because Laura and I chatted and realized she's my sister from another mister. There's a lot of congruence going on. I’m just knowing a little bit about her story. I want to talk with her at the end about her book and her tools. Laura, our readers are leaders who love leadership, who are in the journey. We're in the fight. We're trying to do better, but there's a price you have to pay for leadership. It's a joyful journey, but you get your nose and your knuckles bloodied along the way.
My father wrote a speech called The Price of Leadership many years ago and it has been one of his most listened to speeches. In it, he talks about four things that if you are going to be wearing the mantle of leadership, you are going to have to be wearing it. The first one he talks about is loneliness. We've all heard that it's lonely at the top. The loneliness of leadership is a uniquely distinctive thing. Can you unpack that for our readers when perhaps you experienced loneliness in your career, what you did about it, if it was good, bad, or indifferent, and maybe for some of our readers that are in a season of loneliness?
I love being able to chat about such vulnerable aspects of leadership. One of the things that is a major misconception about leaders is that we're bulletproof. We're not. We're quite as fallible as everyone else. The thing about loneliness is it comes from many different places. It's lonely at the top, but why is it lonely at the top? First of all, there are less people like you and there are less people that can relate to you. There are also less people that can chat with you on the same level about the same nature of issues.
My successor and I chat all the time. I find myself sometimes having to over-explain because I'm used to over-explaining and then she's like, “It's me.” I’m like, “Sorry. I can just bottom line it with you.” “Yeah.” It's rare to find that level of understanding. It's isolating in the form of, like your friends, no matter how much they love you. If they are not leaders the way you are, they cannot meet you where you are. You end up in this totally isolated, lonely place where it's just you and your thoughts, you and your stress, and you're sitting there all by yourself uncomfortable.
You have no one to talk it out with. You can get a therapist but they can't figure it out because they're not versed in this type of stuff. Unless you have another CEO as a best friend, what are you going to do? It's lonely. This is something that I went through for many years. I remember dreaming of, “How can I make friends that are like me? How do I find other women CEOs?” Not just CEOs, but specifically women who are breadwinners, responsible for the vitality of their home, responsible for many things, wish to lead from a place of nurturing and want to do things their way.
When you add the feminine element, you're adding in a whole other bunch of crap that men don't have to deal with because we have to shave our legs, men don't. Before, when a man goes to the office, they roll out of bed, put on a suit, and off you go. The woman has all the other expectations. You have to look good. You have to juggle the whole societal expectations of you have to be strong, but not too strong because God forbid, you're called an unpleasant woman versus a leader, and things like this. It's a lot to deal with and dreaming of these other women leaders took me many years, but I found them.
One of the most wonderful gifts of my life is being able to find other people that I can have these conversations with. The thing about loneliness is that you just need someone to talk to. When you feel like crap because you have to fire someone or fire a client or you get fired or lose a client or made a wrong decision and something blew up in your face. You need someone that's not going to be like, “It will be okay.” You need somebody to be like, “That sucks. Do you need to cry? Do you need to whine? Do you need a strategy? I’m here for all free.”
I love that you said somebody that you can bottom line it with you. We’re hiding it. Feelings, we already passed by them. Now we’ve got to figure out a solution, cry, whine or strategize. Where did you find some of these other people? This is huge for our leaders out there. You have to find other leaders to walk alongside you, advocate, and counsel, or say, “Par for the course. Quit crying and pick it up.”
Being a natural salesperson, I look at every human person that walks by me as, “I'm going to sell you something.” I remember traveling the world and sitting in airports in London and someone talks about marketing and I'll be like, “My name is Laura. It's nice to meet you.” I don't stop being in sales because as the executive of the company, your job is to steer the company and that includes being responsible for its prosperity.
When you wish to find people that you deeply connect with, bottom line it with, cry about it, get drunk with, strategize with, crush the world, and do all the things, you have to intentionally pull yourself out of leadership mode. When you are going to perhaps a networking event, God forbid, we do that now, but let's pretend networking events are still a thing, go there with the intention of connecting with other people that are what you are.
With the intention specifically not to sell but to develop a friendship. Using the DISC chart, I'm a D and I have no problem walking up to you. “I have no desire to sell to you but I need a friend like you. Can we get a glass of wine?” Being right to the front point of it and owning what you're trying to do because that's one of the things about sales that people don't love. It can always feel sleazy and underhanded because you have to disguise your intent. I don't disguise anything. I'm not looking to sell you a thing. I would like to be your friend, a woman like you in my life.
The Six Habits: Practical Tools for Bringing Your Dreams to Life
I love that you said sales and you're on it 24/7. I know you don't want to have the, “I'm transacting something from you.” When you're running an organization, you always have to be alert for anybody that could cross your path. Leadership is a 24-hour day job. That's why some people say it's lonely at the top. I don't get to come home and put my phone in the drawer and put it back. Especially if you're an entrepreneur, you will make payroll if you had that, “I wanted to be at the top so I could let everybody else do the work for me.” I'm like, “I'm not sure what you're running or leading.” I love that you're always alert but connecting.
The other part of the loneliness is sometimes, your spouse doesn't fully understand why you're not putting your phone down. They might feel lonely because of your actions. There is a huge obligation to the role of leadership. I've got the secret bat phone, so if something goes down at 2:00 AM, my second-in-command can call me at any hour because sorry, if the world is on fire at 2:00 AM if you need me, I'm there. There is an element of that that not everyone else can relate to.
Nor do they want that kind of responsibility. When you shoulder that, then you have to be available for anybody to pick up the phone. I was in aircraft maintenance and I slept with a walkie talkie by my bed. In case jets weren't ready to fly, I'd hear it and we'd be out trying to figure out, “What's going to fly?” It's par for the course. You were opening that and that's how you found that. The next thing he talks about is weariness. You have grown a lot of different things.
My dad was pragmatic. He cut his teeth in the insurance industry, ran a small but successful business, and was like, “You're going to run across people that do more than their fair share and your fair share of people that do a lot less.” How do you combat weariness? How do you stay refreshed? We always have to be on. How do you stay on top of the game? I know you take care of yourself and I know you balance it well. Can you share with our readers how do you get through weariness?
Heavy is the head that wears the crown. That's a fact. There's a part of this I want to clear up before we go any further. There's a physical weariness and there's a mental weariness. The physical weariness can come about because of the mental weariness. I have sat at my desk for hours on end and I haven't moved a lot, but my body is still exhausted. It's exhausted from sitting in the same position and I find myself absolutely physically drained sometimes. More so before, I did this whole self-worth journey. I found myself on the bitter end of burnout because I always gave with no boundaries. I was always saying yes to everything.
Sometimes, we make the mistake of thinking that more is more and less is more. I have a secret ninja move that I'm happy to share with you. Some of my most profound leadership choices have been made as a result of me not working. Specifically, when I'm faced with a problem, I will take some time off so I can let my brain work it out subconsciously. One of the things that we have as a culture here in America is that more is more. Throw more work at it and throw more money at it, and then it will get better. That's not necessarily true.
I have learned that when I'm confronted with a problem, I can feel a physical response in my body if I don't immediately have an answer. I don't like the fact that there's a problem, and I'll be perfectly candid with you. My company in Massachusetts has been dealt a substantial blow as a result of the COVID crisis. Half of our clients are hospitality. You can imagine how well that's going for my company. It's not going well at all. Here's the truth. We've been forced to pivot, and my successor got cancer at the same time. I had to briefly unretire so I could help her.
Of course, I'm going to cover for her. She’s had radiation. She had surgery and she's recovering. She's doing all these things. She needs me. What am I going to do? Say no? When you're confronted with a problem, particularly of such magnitude as, “We're losing half of our revenue.” That's not like, “Somebody screwed up. Let me figure out how to solve it.” This goes way beyond damage control. This is holy moly. There’s that and there’s, “She's got cancer and I already started another company. How do I keep myself intact and help her and steer the company in the middle of the crisis?” I have no problem talking to you about this. If you want to dive deeper, I will because this level of transparency is needed.
The company that I worked hard for is not okay but I am, and Julia is getting better. This is largely in part to the thing that I shared with you but also some other things like number one, taking the time off. I've been saying to my team, “I have more responsibility on me than I ever had when I was in the full-time role of CEO. I now have more responsibility on me because of the crisis, cancer, and the fact that I already have a second career. I'm doing it from a six-hour time difference away. I've got five hands tied behind my back and I'm still expected to do a good job. That said, I need to put my self-care and my well-being as number one top priority above all else, or I cannot show up for you.”
Because of that, I've been able to get perspective, distance, and silence. I walk on the beach or sit in the pool. Sometimes, my brain feels like it's just white noise because I'm thinking about a lot of different things. The beauty of all of this is that my subconscious is smart. I don't need to tell her like, “You need to effort the hell out of this.” Let your subconscious work it out. Give yourself the time and perspective away from it. I've been able to take a week away from something and be like, “I love you. I need a week away from this. I can't do this. You're qualified to run things without me. I trust you. I'm going to be with it and let things knit themselves out in my head.”
Inevitably, invariably, every time I come back, I have solutions, tranquility, and inner peace. I have the powerful resolve and stoic leadership abilities that they deserve. I can come up with good decisions, show up for my clients, and show up for Julia because I'm not doing what many people have done for years. I used to do for years, which is I'm going to throw more work at it and throw more time at it. “As long as I throw myself on the fire and I set myself on fire, everything will be okay.” That is a lie. I'm not getting better results.
Part two of this is I'm being clear with people about what I need. Anyone that's reading, please take this as a huge leadership tool for your toolbox that you can use starting with your clients, stockholders, employees, team members, vendors, and anyone that needs you. You need to be clear about what you need. I had a meeting with one of our clients and she's up against a challenge that I don't readily have a solution for and I told her the truth. “I owe you the best. I'm not capable of giving you the best at this moment because this is a tricky problem and I don't have a solution. Is it okay if we take a week and let me sit with this and let it gel in my brain?” “Yeah, that's okay.”
I find that oftentimes, in the haste to please others, we set ourselves on fire, but we don't ask for what we need because we're afraid of people judging us or not having the answer right away. Good leadership is knowing when you need to fall back. Good leadership is knowing when you need to slow down so you can hurry up. It calls for remarkable self-awareness but also self-honoring like, “I need a week,” or “Can we meet next week?” Even just owning, “I'm not giving you the best that you deserve right now. I need a little bit more time so I can do that. Is that okay?”
There's a lot of research on leadership about the power of the subconscious mind. Dad always said that when you work your fingers to the bone, all you get is bony fingers, and that doesn't do anybody any good. I love that you talked about going away because our primitive is fight or flight. “I'm just going to throw more stuff. I’m running away. I quit.” No. To get into that adaptive capacity and regenerative nature, we have to get into that creative spirit. We're in problem-solving mode but it's creative. I know the pandemic totally sucks as do every crisis but out of that is a place to go to, to get away to burn the next great thing.
Typically, if you didn't have the fires separating all the dregs off and forcing you to self-isolate because necessity is the mother of invention, it's do or die time. There's a beauty in that. I love the fact that you were able and encouraged leaders. I have been in touch about what you're talking about. “I love my work so much. Work and fun. Fun and work. It’s all that matters.” Nope, there’s a little bit of difference. I've been intentional about, “Getaway, even if it's just three days here and here. Stop and think.” What a great way to combat weariness.
The Six Habits: One of the major misconceptions about leaders is that we're bulletproof.
I have another thought about that. We need to give ourselves one powerful thought when we think about the crises we're in. Many of us are in crisis, and that's okay. The good news is we're not in it alone. We're all in crisis. I took two weeks off in the middle of the crisis. Do you know what I said to my team? “The world will still be completely doomed by the time I get back. There is no need for me to hurry because it's not like things will be better. It can't get worse and if it does, I'll deal with it when I get back.”
The thing is if we can shift our perspective to realizing how beautiful of a job we do when things are not on fire. In an ideal world, if I had a week to pleasurably noodle about this problem in my mind and have fun playing with it as if it were a fun puzzle, could I come up with a better solution? Yeah, I could, so then give yourself that. Give yourself the pleasure and the joy of solving the problem versus the chaos, insanity, demand and the ulcers. I don't recommend it.
You hit on the ask. The other thing about a crisis is you get clear on what stays on your plate because you can only have one plate. I love it because it purges all the other, “Time sucks off.” It's like, “All hands on deck.” I tell people when they're run down or when I'm run down, “Stop, Tracey. You need to ask people specifically what you need them to do. I need to find the right resources to outsource something. I need to have a talk with my fellow team members and say what we're tipping over a little bit. We need to reload about that.” Don't be afraid to ask. People are there. If they can't, they won't. I've had more people step up to help me during this timeframe than in the twelve years I've been back since running the company because I'm a lot more honest and authentic about the ask.
That's remarkable. Even to that point, I've experienced the same thing. My people are in Massachusetts and Oregon. I remember sitting down with them sometime before I took those two weeks off and I said to them, “I don't know how to solve this.” I was super vulnerable. I was like, “Here's what I know. I know I care about you. I know I did not put 21 years of my life into this to watch it go down the drain. I am not going down without a fight. I am loyal to you. I care about you deeply. You are part of my weird little family and you are people I fight for. I want to know that you're going to fight for me too.” They said yes.
I said, “That being said, I'm coming to you honestly and vulnerably right now and telling you I'm laying my problem at your feet. I'm asking you to help and contribute and give me your ideas even if they suck. I can't do this alone. I've never been faced with something of this magnitude. Leaders need help.” The vulnerability and communication, do you know what I got in response? “Laura, I love working for you. I've never felt more valued and appreciated. I will help you and I will do everything I can to help. I will fight hard for this company.” I heard from another one. “No, we're not going down without a fight.” I heard from another one. “No, this is the best company I've ever worked for. The fact that you're vulnerable and honest is what makes me want to make this the last place I ever work.” I'm like, “Yeah.”
When we shoulder the load together, it's different. I think of Churchill and how he went into parliament and rallied everybody. The British citizens are like, “Hell no. We're with you.” We, as leaders, need that too. When I tell you I'm vulnerable, I need to know you're all in and when you're all in, then all of a sudden, I get supersize Wonder Woman because I'm like, “I got them.” For leaders, the best thing that our team members and staff can do is we have to pour into them but when you pour into us with, “I'm all in and we're right behind you,” then we can charge the hell together.
I can't even tell you the amount of faith, fortitude, strength, and love I felt. Can we just acknowledge that love is a part of a business? People might feel appreciated. It put more gas in my tank so I was able to be like, “I knew I had something worth fighting for but now I've got more affirmation that it's worth fighting for because I've got the people that told me and gave me this validation.” I love the work of Brené Brown. She talks about vulnerability and leadership. It's not like, “I have big feelings.” That's not what she's saying.
It's about, “Maybe I don't have the answers right now and I need support.” What you do when you constantly put up this facade of being bulletproof is A) you increase your wariness. B) You burn out quickly, and C) you don't let your people know you. You don't know them. There's an element. You’re building a huge wall between you and there's no intimacy. Business is business, I don't care. There is an element of intimacy that is required to breed trust. Trust is the thing that gets things done.
It's the T-word. It's trust because when I can trust you, that's all I need to do. Whether we die on the field or we live to fight another day, it does not matter. It's 300. We're going to go into battle together, and this is it. We're going to say, “We're all going down together.” That's a beautiful thing, even in business. I love that you brought the trust in. When you're not sensing that trust, that drains on you. That's physically and emotionally draining because something's not right.
Julia is my successor and she's the CEO of the company. When she got cancer, there was one thing that was never in question. She knew I'd have her back. I paid her full-time salary while she was out the whole time that we were able to. That's trust. She knew she could lean on me without even asking and I knew she'd have my back without even asking. Finding that leadership and trust has always been through absolute all-out honesty with her.
You don't want to be in a room with us. We are scary when we're that blunt. If you're afraid of the truth, never ever sit in on one of our meetings. Our financial negotiations, when I first brought around, it was like, “This is what I've got you in. This is what I want. This is where I can meet you. You're in? Okay.” It was simple because there's no BS on either part. There are no posturing, facades, manipulation, and agendas. Nothing is hidden. “These are the cards on the table. Can we co-create? Okay.” It’s more efficient. As a high D and she's a screaming high D, it's easier.
For the leaders reading out there, it's important for your team. This isn't everybody's cup of tea. It can get you through the peacetime stuff but when you hit the tough stuff, you want people that are going to stay with you and not run off when the going gets tough.
At some point, the world will get weird.
That's the fact of the matter. We've been through a lot of weird things. This won't be the last weird thing. We're all living to be 120, so there's going to be many weird things in our lives. Make sure you get people that can handle that ahead of time because I'm looking at the Coronavirus crisis and people are like, “It has changed.” I go, “Nope. All it did was reveal what was inside of people. Resilient people were resilient before the virus, they're going to be resilient after. If you were flaky or not in before, you're not going to be in after.” Nothing changed. When you get squeezed, it comes out of you.
It’s like money. It makes you more of what you already are. Crisis and money have a lot in common in that regard.
The Six Habits: When you wish to find people that you deeply connect with, bottom line it with, cry about it, get drunk with, strategize with, crush the world, and do all the things, you have to intentionally pull yourself out of leadership mode.
For our readers out there, Laura is saying to make sure you've got people on your team that you let them know right from the get-go. I know you'll love me when the going is good, but I know you're going to be there when it's not because there are going to be times when it's not.
A big part of how you do that is being honest about your own limitations, using that whole vulnerability aspect, using your weariness as a reminder to maybe take a week to reflect on a problem because chances are it will be there when you get back.
The next thing he talked about was abandonment. We're in the pet rescue business, so abandonment tends to have a negative connotation. When he talked about abandonment, it was more of a focus thing. We need to abandon but what we like and what to think about in favor of what we ought and need to think about. For us, high Ds, we may be able to crack this nut sooner than before. How do you stay super focused? Entrepreneurs tend to be radial thinkers and lots of good ideas. We get hit with a lot of things. How do you stay on task, Laura?
I love that you're asking a girl with ADHD. This will be fun. I'm a big fan of shiny objects. I’m having fun with this. The fact that I have ADHD has forced me to be probably better at focus than most people. There are a couple of truths that I have in terms of leadership. I find that most things that people present to you as an emergency aren't an emergency. It's usually just people being impatient or like, “I want it now.” My general approach to a lot of things is cool. “Try this and get back to me,” or “What have you done to research this?” “Nothing.” “Go do that, then get back to me.”
Usually, I will hand people's problems back to them because people are looking for easy answers versus making any attempt to figure it out themselves. Also, here's another crappy truth. Most problems, you can ignore. You can't ignore the Coronavirus and losing revenue. Most problems, you can ignore, which is terrible business advice but I'm going to tell you why. Most problems will solve themselves on their own by virtue of them not being important. Someone else is getting frustrated with waiting for you and decides to solve it on their own, which they should have done the first time, or it will recur or get worse.
In the unlikely event, which is only 10% of the time that it recurs or gets worse, then it's worthy of your time. You have an opportunity to make your schedule filled with only things that are worthy of being attended to by virtue. Just ignoring it. Figure it out yourself. “It went away on its own? It wasn't that important?” “I told you.” People inflate the importance of issues all the time. People have this hysterical mentality when it comes to, “The sky is falling.” Is it? I don't think so. When you discover it was only an apple and everything's fine, let me know and we can high five about it later. Meanwhile, I've got real problems to solve.
It sounds somewhat cold and calculated but that's the truth. You have to be willing to let things get worse, recur, or go away. Regarding the attention thing, I too, have more ideas than I know what to do. I invented this little thing, at least I have invented it for me, which you might have already thought of it. I have the idea of a parking lot. I love my genius mind. I always think of new businesses, business approaches, products, this, and that. New is sexy. New is also distracting as all hell. I will come up with an idea and I'll get it out of my head because my brain wants to get it out.
It doesn't mean I need to give birth to it or give life to it. I need to get the idea out because otherwise, I will be derailed. I have an entire document folder in my business files, both for the Vision Advertising and for The Six Habits. I have an idea for a parking lot folder, so I'll briefly unpack my idea. If it continues to nag at me for weeks, then it's an idea I clearly need to do something with or talk about with my team.
If I got it out, and that was a fun thought exercise, I let myself have it because when we deny our brains the joy of play, we stop being creative and we stifle the joy that makes us entrepreneurs. We’re joyful entrepreneurs because we love to create but if we are disciplined that we take the joy out of it like, “No, don't create,” you're missing stuff. Don't do that. I put things in the idea of a parking lot. If they suck, they suck. Most of them will suck. Don't derail yourself.
I was on somebody else's podcast and they're like, “What do you think comes first? Creativity or motivation?” I'm like, “Creativity.” We have to allow our brains because as leaders, we’re future thinkers. I love that we're technicians. We love the operations and running the business, but we have to spend more of our time. You unpacked a whole lot of stuff on that. Get to work. Either it recurs or it goes away.
I read a book, Contrarian's Guide to Leadership, and Steve Sample said, “Not everything is urgent. Even when the media sticks a microphone in your mouth, you don't have to answer.” “What do you think about this? Do I need to weigh in on this?” No. I watch all these businesses jump on things. What does this have to do with your business? Stay in your lane. I don't see anything good has come out of this. Your people are like, “Why are we pulling this way?”
You brought up something powerful. There's a lot of inclination on the part of leaders and companies to weigh in on the national mess. Here's my perspective. Julia is extremely political. She's got opinions about everything. Even the things that nobody has opinions about, she's got opinions because she's an opinionated human being. She's an opinion with heels. On the other hand, I have a lot of opinions and I realized that I barely give a crap about my own opinions, much less anyone else. Here's the thing. I'm going to tell you about my views about the election.
Nobody gives a crap, so I'm going to go ahead and acknowledge nobody cares. You're talking to me through Vision Advertising because you need a marketing solution. Me yammering on about politics and what's in my head does not help you make more money. I am going to do you the respect of shutting up and doing my job. Am I sending out emails? “Here's what our COVID response is.” Nobody cares. Do you know what people want to know? “Are you still doing my marketing? Can you still help me make money? Great, do that.”
I don't need you to preach to me. Do you know how many people unsubscribed my auto-ship from because they're preaching to me about different things? “Shut up. I ordered from you. I know what my convictions are. I know how I behave.” It's strange. It's this weird mentality that you all have to go ahead and do all this stuff. I've watched churches, schools, businesses, and ad resources doing stuff and I'm like, “Okay.”
If you’re trying to be important, here's how you become important. First of all, get over yourself. Realize that the role that you serve for people is the thing they need you for, number one. Number two, you are important by the fact that you are alive. Stop trying to validate yourself by weighing in on things that are not what your role is revolving around. If you are a politician, by all means, you should be talking about it.
That's your field. That's your lane.
The Six Habits: Give yourself the pleasure and the joy of solving the problem versus the chaos, insanity, demand, and the ulcers.
If you’re in a medical office and your people are concerned about visiting you, by all means, talk about it. If you're a marketer like myself where we do business virtually anyway, does it matter? It does not. Stay out of it, do your job, and do it well. Do it better than you've ever done it. The clients that have been able to stick around because their businesses are not being forced to close need more help than they've ever needed. They need me to show up, be creative and solve problems. I am increasing my value by focusing and leaning in on what I am needed for.
Abandonment, that's my favorite one so far. The other one is close. You hit that. To the ADHD people out there, that allows you when you dial that in to achieve hyper-focus, which is typically what uber successful people have. “I can be scattered, but I can't draw my focus in.” You’re sharing that and your tips for how to do that are brilliant. Thank you. When there's no vision, the people perish. My dad, eighth-grade education, life in poverty. He wasn't raised with anybody telling him, “You're special. You're different. You're destined for greatness.” He said that vision was seeing what needs to be done and doing it. You seem pragmatic. I love your blend of tactics and strategy. Can you tell me what vision means for you and how you craft it going forward? We're in the midst of it, so where are you going?
Vision, pardon the pun, is also the name of my company in Massachusetts, and that's not an accident because you need to have a clear insight into what you want. I'm going to pick on my own company as an example and then talk about some more abstract concepts after that. My own company is on fire. Even though the clients that we still have loved us and are looking to even do more, which is wonderful, we've still suffered significant losses as a result of what's going on. It's easy for me as a human, for Julia, and everybody in the company to be like, “Things are on fire. What do we do? How do we put out fires?” Stop. What do we want?
Being able to pull back is like, “What I want is for the company that I spent 21 years of my life building, which is a whole able-to-drink-adult worth of life. How do I get this child that I've grown up to continue to thrive? It's possible. There are a lot of millionaires being made in a crisis. I like to be one of them. How do I make this company better?” That would be what I want. What I want is to draw my people closer, strengthen and deepen the relationships I have with the clients, and make them realize I've never left them.
In my darkest hour, when we've suffered more than we've ever suffered as a company, I never let them go. I never selfishly focused on me. I focused on, “This is what I am committed to, which is a great company with loyalty to the clients. Not loyalty to the dollars, but loyalty to the humans.” Looking at that, keeping the vision of what I deeply want forces me to get creative. I'm looking at growth by acquisition. It's like, “We're down 50%. I could buy another company. You're dying? Neat. How about I buy you and I'll pick your carcass? It's fine.” It's cruel, but lots of companies grow.
That's how growth is done.
It's not just going out there, and hustle and sell. I cannot double the size of my company in a month. Nobody could do that. You can by acquisition so I'm looking at that. It's forcing me to get creative. At the end of the day, it's truly a desire. I mean this with all my heart. I had no desire when I retired to ever come back. That's why I retired. Weird. When I was done, I was done. It doesn't mean I don't love it. It doesn't mean that I don't care about it. It just means, “This was nineteen years. Thank you. I'm good. Now you run it. I'm here to support you. We’ll have meetings, but it's your job now, and I'm passing the torch.”
When you pass the torch, you never expect it to be handed back to you. It's like, “Why am I holding this?” You need to return to the vision. Like for me, I had to return to the vision that I had the whole time, which was to create a job that I wanted, create a company I want to work for, and create a company that runs with high integrity that does what it says on the box. For me, it's never been about money, which is why I've made money. Ironic, but it's true. I've always been in the business of serving others. It was through a for-profit lens, but the vision for me has been clarified by virtue of me leaving.
Talking about getting distance, I had 1.5 years of retirement distance. I came back with a vengeance and I was like, “The world is on fire? I got this.” About two months into it, I was like, “I don't get this.” The vision has kept me on track. There's another element. I'm probably going down a couple of different roads. Stop me if it gets confusing. Some of us get lost in figuring out, “What's my purpose in life?” We mesh it with life purpose and profession. Those two can go together, but they don't have to. It wasn't until 2018 that I discovered that my purpose in life was to serve others and bring joy and freedom to people.
I had always been doing that through Vision Advertising because I help small families to feed their families by helping their businesses that they rely on to grow and be prosperous. That's what I do. I help moms and dads that start businesses with a shaky hand to know that they're doing the right thing. I helped them hire their first employee, create jobs, and put their kids through college. That's what I do. That's the help, love, and security I've always been doing. Now I approach it in different respect with fortifying leaders. Now we can bring joy, love, respect, transparency and stillness from the top down.
At the end of the day, my vision for myself as a human has always been one of service and getting clear. My personal vision is to be of service. I look at that now with, “Vision is on fire, Julia's got cancer, and I have another company. I, myself, have needs to not be unhealthy. How do I be of service? How do I help my clients thrive by being of service? How do I help Julia by doing everything I can by moving heaven and earth to give her the sun, moon and stars while she's in cancer. The last thing she worries about is the integrity of the company or her income?
How do I honor my employees and give them the emotional security that they need to know that their job is safe and that I will lay my own salary down before I will ever ask them to take a pay cut? How do I do these things? How do I do it all without setting myself on fire?” The service to self, by the way, is the thing that always got ignored for years. No, it doesn't. Self is the thing I pay attention to first. That's my vision.
You were talking about your life purpose may be different than your profession. That's profound because you tie everything back to your values and convictions and then everything else tentacles out, be it the old company, the new company, or your self-care. I bring this up because I work with a lot of leaders and people that I'm coaching and stuff, they're like, “Can my life purpose be different than this?” It's like, “Yeah.” I love that you call that out.
Everything orients back to the value of service. Some people are like, “We’ve got to be a lot more defined about that.” I'm like, “Okay. Perhaps,” maybe you get clarity on the to-dos. You do and you don't. Some people do. I'm glad you said that because I'm always wondering if I'm giving people bad advice. People are like, “Why are you here? What's your big why?” I know what my why is. You don't doubt your why, you know what your why is even though you're in crisis. I've never doubted my why to help people have tremendous books through the transformative power people got in books, but then there's everything else that comes after that. As long as everything orients back to that, I can be a little fluid in the design. That takes the pressure off too.
To color in a little bit of what you're saying and add some texture to it. People love their neat little boxes because humans love categories. There's a reason why we call people black, white, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, agnostic, atheist, gay, straight or cisgender. Many people have been raised and exist in the world to believe that without the constraints of categorization and labeling, we're lost. This is where entrepreneurs are different. This is where leaders are different. We have the ability to exist without some of these containers and do quite well.
The Six Habits: Money is infinite. You can make as much as you want. Time is not. Time is the ultimate luxury.
For years, I would always try to put myself in a neat little box. “I'm on the planet to do marketing. Nope, that doesn't feel right.” “I'm on the planet to be a writer. That doesn't feel right either.” It felt too specific and too limited. If you think of a doctor, “My foot hurts.” “Here's a cast.” That's not a good doctor. A good doctor is, “Why does your foot hurt? Let's get to the root.” It’s the same thing with purpose. What is the root? I needed to know that my purpose is to serve, help and give people safety, security, love and joy. There are a million ways I can do this. I even wanted to open a bakery because I love feeding people and that makes people feel all the things. Someday I might do that. You cannot imagine the amount of love, joy, security and safety I get from an almond croissant. It's the truth.
I call that the tremendous blend. I'm like, “Don't get so dichotomous. Who says you can't pull the best?” My dogs write books. I love books. I love leadership. I love rescue animals. Why can’t I have books written by my animals to teach leadership constructs to kids? I’ve ever had them, but I love hanging out with them because I'm a big kid. They get me. They think I'm the coolest kid in the school. Finally, I get to be the coolest kid. Why can't I do it all? Blend it. Make a little coffee blend.
You understand the core element and that's the purpose of it. With the vision element and this is one of the things I've been helping people with for more than 21 years, now with my other company too. It’s like, “Why are you doing this?” I was meeting with an attorney who is an extremely pragmatic, these are the rules kind of attorney. I was like, “I'm sorry, in advance. We're going to have to talk about your feelings. Does that make you want to barf?” She's like, “A little.”
“Here's the deal. If you're the head of your law firm, I need to talk to you about your why, and your why is bigger than you just doing billings. It's perhaps about your daughter. Perhaps, it's about, you want to spend more time with your husband and you'd like to enjoy your life. Maybe you don't get enough vacation time. We need to talk about your feelings and it's going to be gross. Can you hang?” She's like, “It sounds horrible. Sure. Count me in.” We went into it. We talked about her why and we got to the core of it. She was able to reveal to me which a lot of pragmatic people struggle to do, that the real core of why she does what she does is because she wants to grow a company. She wants to spend more time with her family.
She needed the invitation to just own, “I have to grow my company because it has nothing to do with making more billings. It's about me regaining my time.” My friends, please pay attention carefully. Money is infinite. You can make as much as you want. Time is not. Time is the ultimate luxury. When I retired at 37, did I do it as a multimillionaire? Nope, and I have no problem admitting that, but I was wealthier than most people because I have the luxury of doing whatever I wanted with my time.
I sat on the beach. I snorkeled with turtles. I sat aimlessly and picked my nose if I felt like it because that was my luxurious choice. Time. That's what this woman wanted. That's what a lot of us want and maybe our purpose is our family. Maybe our purpose is to serve. Maybe our purpose is not to serve and it's to create. I want to be clear about this. Many people think, “My purpose isn't altruistic. There's something wrong with it.” No. You could be a selfishly motivated person that you just want to enjoy your own life.
There's nothing wrong with that. I've met some successful people in life that the reason they work so hard is that they like to play so hard, mostly men. They have no problem separating the two things. I'm like, “Good for you.” We, as women, have a hard time with that. I love that you also talked about the fact that she wants to grow her company. I love that you hit on it for entrepreneurs. It's not just about us. I want the business to run so I can reclaim more of my time, but also we're letting other people, entrepreneurs create other little mini entrepreneurs.
That's why small businesses are the backbone. That's why COVID sucks because it's killing all of them. We are the backbone of everything. I love that you brought up the fact that that lawyer, not only have more time with their family but also to build other people just as we like it, other people like it. Having your own thing is the only way you truly get to experience real freedom and get to call your own shots. That's a beautiful thing.
I have to tell you, the COVID thing sucks. I hate what's going on in the political landscape. I don't care what you believe, who you're voting for, or whatever. This is not a pleasant time. It's not. You're seeing the worst of people. It's a frightening, uncertain thing, but there is good here. Here are some of the good that I'm going to share with you. People are getting perspective about what's important in life, but you're finding more and more people are gaining the courage to take that entrepreneurial leap. Did you know that America was founded on entrepreneurs hundreds of years ago? Something like 85% of this country was all small business owners. Now, most people are groomed to go to college, get a job and then work for someone else. Build the machine. Don't work on it. Build it.
I did it for twenty years and then I'm like, “I can't do it anymore.” I'm glad you heeded your entrepreneurial spirit earlier than that, Laura. Anything else you want to share with our readers? Can you talk about your six-step, your construct so they can understand that too?
Having spent many years in leadership, I did a lot of things the wrong way. I freely admit that. I set myself on fire to keep others warm. I put my needs last because I was socialized to believe that it was bad to do that, it's selfish. As a woman, you don't do that. When I retired, it's notable to retire at 37, it is, but do you think I cared? Nope, I was numb. I didn't care. What I was feeling was frustration, burnout. I was feeling the effects of a three-year-long illness that I had yet to pinpoint. It was getting worse. I was fighting with my husband. My friends and family weren't seeing me. They were getting the worst of me when they did. I was falling apart at the seams.
When I retired, I remember wanting to sit in my jammies and stare at the wall and feel bad for myself. I did. At that time that I was staring at the wall, my mind never shuts up. It was quite busy while the body was catatonic. I'm sitting there in this state. I'm like, “Why did I do all this?” I had chased the money, the success. I always wanted to be in service, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons. It's because I wanted to matter. I wanted to be important to people because I wanted people to like me. That's the truth. It's vulnerable and it's true.
Because of this, I got the house, the car, all the toys, the travel and everything. I had all the stuff and status symbols that you're supposed to have. When I got there at 37, I collected all the prizes. I was at the finish line. It felt no better than an ordinary Wednesday. I'm like, “This sucks.” I was faced with a choice. Do I continue going down the road chasing more highs or do I get uncomfortable and let stuff get weird and figure out what happiness is? Being an entrepreneur, I'm a problem solver. I'm pragmatic. It's like, “I like formulaic. I like instructions. I want answers.”
I started trying to figure out, what did I do wrong? What is happiness because it's clearly not chasing stuff? It's not chasing highs? What is it and can my stubborn ass have it? If so, how? I started looking at every single thing I had ever heard about happiness. Everything from drinking your face off to meditation to climbing a mountain in Nepal to masturbation. What is happiness? I started putting every single possible concept into neat little piles. I started observing human behavior, my own included. Looking at happy people and studying them, what are they doing? I started looking for more things to put in these little piles, and six little piles emerged of piles and piles of information within each one. I'm like, “What are these?” These are six wonderful ideas, but are they just ideas? Nope. Are these six great things to know? Nope, these are six mental habits.
Meditation fits into one of the habits. Masturbation fits into it. I’m sorry to say the M-word twice. Starting a business, pursuing your dreams, the way you speak to yourself, sales ability. Everything fits into these six categories. In order to understand everything, I had to understand more about the habits. I started experimenting and figuring it out and living these habits. It only became clear as I use myself as the guinea pig and some willing clients, which I loved. We were able to get clear, “These are perspectives. This informs how I see the world. Where I belong in it, what I get out of it, what I'm going to do, and how I exist as a leader? How I can pursue my dreams, my purpose and everything.”
The six habits, I'll tell you what they are. I will tell you the habits themselves, the words are not revelatory. The fact that they are habitual thought constructs and patterns is the revelation. It's kindness to yourself, acceptance of yourself, gratitude for everything in life, especially the crap. Presence, which is hard to do as a person with ADHD, but I've still managed to nail it. Goodness, which is energy management, good energy and bad energy out and intention. Intention is action and clarity around action.
Entrepreneurs and leaders tend to be good at intention, but I will be the first one to tell you. I needed the fancy car because I didn't accept myself and I wanted to earn others’ approval. I wanted others to see the nice car that I drove. I wanted to earn more money so I could finally feel enough. I chased all these different things because I wasn't kind to myself. I made sales because I treated myself like crap. “You're a loser. You're not going to be able to make this sale.” My own personal sense of defiance would be like, “Screw you, self. Yes, I can.”
I wanted to feel good enough. When my retirement came, I was taking it for granted. I wasn't grateful. I wasn't grateful for the brain that God gave me and all the wonderful things that I had been given in life, including my adversity that got me there. I wasn't grateful for all the people that served, helped, and gave me lessons along the way. I was checked out, distracted, and not present. I was loading myself with tons of toxic energy. I was depleting my reserves. I was a hot steaming mess when I retired. It was awful. I look back and all I want to do is take myself from years ago and hug myself. Be like, “It's going to be okay. You did the best you could.” Here's the thing about acceptance, kindness and all these wonderful habits, I don't burn my old self down. I look back at her with love and be like, “You got me here.”
What a beautiful place that you have gotten to the point where you are able to give yourself grace. That's what I tell people. Why did it take me ten years to finally dial in the business that I wanted to do? I don't know but it did and it's okay. You’ve got to give yourself grace. I love that you can look at yourself from years ago and feel compassion. We had to go through it. We had to be that person.
The thing about these habits that I found is that they’re nice to know about but it takes application. My favorite analogy, because it's silly and stupid, is the difference between knowledge and application of knowledge is a tomato. A tomato is a fruit. The application of that knowledge is not putting it in a fruit salad. It's silly, but it's the truth. The thing about these behaviors, and this is the whole reason why I wrote the book is so I could share it with other people. I developed a whole comprehensive 90-day habit mastery program for myself because I needed it. When I started researching, I was like, “If these are habits, how am I going to cultivate this? How am I going to do this? I am stubborn. I don't like meeting my own expectations. I hate it.”
I'm good at letting myself down. I tend to break all the promises I've ever made to myself. Habits are not something you decide, “That's it. I'm a person that flosses now.” No, you need to cultivate the habit. I started researching habit. It turns out, based on several studies that I read and proof of living it, did you know it takes 66 days of consistent effort to form a habit? If you're a bit of a slacker like me, it takes a little bit longer.
People think it takes three weeks. I've even heard 40 days.
These are marketers. I say this as a CEO of a marketing company, “You're being lied to. Cut it out.” The truth is, you need the 66 days of repetitious correct action. The whole reason why I set up the program is that I wanted to create a construct of what is the correct action? What are the new thoughts I should be having? What do I seed my brain with? How do I do this? How do I reprogram my own head over a period of 90 days so I can become the person that I speak nothing but love to myself?
“Laura, you can do this?” “The world is on fire? Cool. You got this.” “Laura, you don't need a Land Rover. You could drive a Hyundai from 1982 and you are still an awesome human. If they don't want to be friends with you, that's a shame for them because they're missing out.” I look at my life and I'm grateful for everything. Even when my husband gets under my skin and irritates me, I'm so grateful I have an opportunity to enrich his life, make him better, and love him. I can be present. I don't have toxic crap in my life. News? Bye. Social media? Bye.
Where can people pick up your book and how can people get in touch with you? We're friends on Facebook so we do have it, but we don't live in that land.
The center of everything is at TheSixHabits.com.
Laura, thank you. For the audience out there, you make sure you check this out, download this. I can't thank you enough. I met my match. I know people say I have a lot of energy. You, my dear friend, I love that you lived what you're sharing with people because then you can tell if it doesn't work for you, how's it going to work for anybody else? I'm thankful. We'll be thinking and praying about you with the journey, with the company and your successor, with her illness too. I can't wait to see how you emerge from this, Miss Phoenix. It's going to be something unbelievable.
I know we're going to talk again and I’m looking forward to that. I'm grateful for this opportunity to spend time with you to have such an engaging, important conversation that people need to hear. I appreciate the invitation to be able to share vulnerably about the not so perfect parts of leadership. I hope it serves.
It does. I'll tell you what, especially for women leaders out there, it was so good for you to unpack. I learned so much from it. I feel refreshed. It's been a motivated Monday. I know our readers will too. Thank you again, Laura.
Thank you.
To our readers out there, if you like what you read, be sure and hit the subscribe button. Wherever you follow us, do us the honor of a five-star rating. Be sure and share with your friends, also, drop us a note. To our tremendous leaders out there, thank you for paying the price of leadership. I know you've been richly blessed by this and you keep on paying that price. We're thankful for you being in our tremendous tribe. Have a tremendous rest of the day.
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About Laura DiBenedetto
I am an ordinary person who’s been through the ringer, and came out swinging. I don’t consider myself to be special, and because I’ve done great things with my life as an ordinary person, I’m on a mission to show you how to build the extraordinary from right where you are now, just in case you’re ordinary too.
Like you, my resume doesn’t describe what’s most important: who I am or why I’ve done what I’ve done. But… it’s below if you’re curious. Who I am is the story I’d rather tell you… because you and I have more in common than you might think. I’m the woman who for years felt crippling self doubt and stopped herself from going after what she wanted, never believing she was worthy. I’m the woman who would be depressed for months on end as winter set in and the blackness of the season wreaked havoc on my mindset and I hated my life and everyone and everything in it. I’m also the woman with ADHD who struggled for years to get out of her own way, took enough swings to hit a few, and who never learned to love herself. I let people walk on me for years, and I lost more than I’ve won.
At the core of all of that, I’m the woman who never thought others liked me, so I’d kill myself to do anything it would take so others would like me… because *I* never liked me. I was the living embodiment of the opposite of the happiness I’m dedicated to living and sharingnow.
One day when I got a massive career win and it felt like total nothingness… I knew something was wrong, and decided to do something about it. I decided to discover what happiness really was and how to create it. In my quest to address my own pain, I discovered something so much greater than myself or the pain… I discovered the formula for a truly happy life that anyone could use. It wasn’t success, beauty, a certain number on the scale, or an amount in the bank. It was all in the mind.
When I put the formula to work, I changed my life. When I shared the formula, others changed their lives. In sharing the formula with you… I hope to give you the gift of the most tremendous happiness you’ve ever felt.